


Straight Face

by greypaper



Category: B.A.P, K-pop
Genre: First Love, High School, M/M, Pining, Romance, Struggling with Sexuality, angsty, daejae - Freeform, like over 7 thousand words of pining, more pining than romance tbh, should be writing my thesis paper but here we are, soft
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:22:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27042670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greypaper/pseuds/greypaper
Summary: Youngjae would feel as if something was missing if it weren't for the agonizing longing tearing him apart piece by piece.What would he be doing in between classes, if he wasn't sneaking over to their senior's classroom to talk to Yongguk.To try and take a look at Daehyun.
Relationships: Jung Daehyun/Yoo Youngjae
Comments: 5
Kudos: 7





	1. Lovesick

**Author's Note:**

> summertime lovesick feelings and everything
> 
> (reposting this from my account on aff, same author name same title)

"If I knew you'd be like this after just a few weeks, I would have told you to confess already," Junhong sighed, slumping against the back of the chair. His head was tilted back, his eyes wandering aimlessly along the ceiling. 

It was hot inside of Junhong's room, the summer humid and merciless. Youngjae was lying on the floor, holding a cool water bottle against his neck, the one he's put inside the fridge for a while.

A summer day like this one should feel all too familiar to the both of them, lazing around Junhong's room during summer vacation was a daily occupation that both of them preferred, rather than sitting in the harsh heat of the city.

Although Junhong telling Youngjae that he's heard enough about his unrequited crush was new, but Youngjae didn't mind. He was glad that Junhong was taking it so well, Youngjae wouldn't have known what to do if he wasn't.

But even if Youngjae should be used to this situation, this summer was different.

A heavy sense of nostalgia was already lingering in the air, like a certain smell you're sure you'll never be able to smell again. In some way it hurt, but for now the excitement about their upcoming senior year was overlapping the pain of leaving everything they've known behind.

Moreover, Youngjae had been feeling a different kind of pain since the day they said goodbye to their seniors before their summer break, knowing the next semester would be their last.

There were only a hand full of people in the year above him that Youngjae was close to.

He thought of Yongguk, and his big smile accompanying his warm eyes. Youngjae would have to admit that he should be missing Yongguk the most, and in a way he knows he will. He truly does.

Because they always spend their evenings studying together after classes are over, they take the same subway line home, although in different directions. Youngjae was feeling a little guilty, because he really should be missing Yongguk the most, after all, he's the senior Youngjae spends the most time with.

It felt a little stupid, to be missing someone Youngjae had never really been on speaking terms with. There were a few times when they've exchanged a couple of words; mostly out of formalities, Youngjae had to remind himself.

But Youngjae had started to realize that the small crush he had been harboring for nearly two years now held a bit more to it, something more serious.

And being honest with himself had never been more difficult. 

Youngjae wasn't one to lie to himself. It was rather obvious to him that the feelings inside his guts were more than just genuine admiration for his senior. But it was so hard to accept.

How could he have possibly misplaced his lingering gaze on the older boy's back whenever Youngjae saw him in the hallways by the vending machine. Or the way Youngjae would always choose to sit by the window every Thursday and Friday, to oversee the soccer field with its running tracks surrounding it.

He had asked his classmate to switch seats with him on those days, not being able to explain why exactly, but offering to buy Jaehyun lunch had deemed to be sufficient enough. 

And despite the smile which always found itself onto Youngjae's face whenever he saw his crush at school, it still weighted him down. It was a very heavy, lingering feeling in his stomach which had settled down over the years, but Youngjae had thought he would be able to ignore the way it was growing heavier.

But with his second year of high school stretching on, Youngjae wasn't able to avoid how his prolonged glances suddenly were not enough anymore.

Youngjae wanted to be closer, wanted to hold his hand after school was over, to meet up in the hallway by the staircase in between classes, to have lunch outside during spring. 

Youngjae couldn't argue with Junhong, because the younger of them had every right to be complaining about Youngjae running his mouth off.

"You know I can't do that. He probably wouldn't know what to do if a boy confessed to him," Youngjae said, shifting on the floor until he was lying on his stomach, his cold water bottle squeezed in between his cheek and Junhong's carpet.

Youngjae closed his eyes as Junhong started to speak, knowing what his friend was about to tell him.

"I don't think he would take it the wrong way." 

Youngjae hummed, trying to ignore the subtle enthusiasm in Junhong's voice, as if to give him hope.

"Worst case scenario, Daehyun hyung would politely decline, I tell you," Junhong finished with a smile, one that Youngjae couldn't see, but hear through the way the younger one's voice rang in the air.

It was nice, how Junhong thought it would be so simple, so easy. Youngjae knew it wasn't like that, uncomplicated, as if he could just effortlessly confess his feelings to Daehyun.

He would have done it if it really were easy, painless.

The taste of rejection already lingered on the tip of his tongue, like bitter cough drops that were too hard to swallow immediately. Stuck in his throat, leaving an empty, gaping feeling behind once he let the words slip through his lips.

"I don't know, Junhong," Youngjae said after some time, his voice fading out by the end. Tears prickling at his eyes, hot. "I think you're overestimating him."

"Says you, you've been the one endlessly talking about him."

If Youngjae hadn't known Junhong as well as he did, it would have sounded like an accusation. Telling him to suck it up if he didn't have the guts to confess. To give up.

But Youngjae knew Junhong, he was well aware of how hopelessly optimistic Junhong was. 

Right now, Junhong was angry with him. Not truly angry, he was frustrated by Youngjae's lack of hope. That would be better fitting, Youngjae thought.

"You should at least try to talk to him. I'm not telling you to go up to him on Monday and confess in front of everyone."

"I know, it's just not that easy," Youngjae said after getting up, resting his back against the frame of Junhong's bed.

He didn't know how to explain it to Junhong.

The ever smiling boy, as tall as some celebrities, with bright eyes and a boisterous laugh. Youngjae saw the way the girls in their grade looked at his best friend. Without wanting to, Youngjae felt his heart sting with envy every time, thinking how easy Junhong had it.

How easy it would be if Youngjae hadn't fallen for his senior. Fallen for a boy.

Yet, for some reason, Youngjae would feel as if something was missing if it weren't for the agonizing longing tearing him apart piece by piece. What would he be doing in between classes, if he wasn't sneaking over to their senior's classroom to talk to Yongguk. To try and take a look at Daehyun.

At the way he would grin stupidly when one of his friends said something corny.

Or the way he would laugh, a piece of rice stuck to the corner of his mouth, the wrappers of his samgak kimbap scattered on his desk.

The way he would rest his head in between his arms, trying to sleep with the sun softly grazing his dark brown hair.

Youngjae's heart clenched at the thought of him, a sentiment so familiar it brought warmth with it. 

Sometimes Youngjae wondered if his feelings were continuously lingering in his heart because he found it hard to give up, because Youngjae was so familiar with them.

Whenever he would think of Daehyun, Youngjae could feel his heart dropping a little, turning into a feeling heavy in his guts.

It was nice, in every way. His heart would skip beats and Youngjae would find himself smiling like an idiot just staring out of the window as he thought of Daehyun's smile.

Sometimes, late at night when the lights outside of his room were nothing but a dim shine, grazing through his curtains, Youngjae wondered if he truly knew what he was feeling. What if he mistook his own feelings for something that was all too simple. Admiration, a certain platonic fondness maybe.

It didn't sound right to him, but sometimes Youngjae wanted it to be that way.

So that he could breathe for at least a moment, leaving his anxiety behind. There was a constant fear rooted in the depths of Youngjae's heart. The fear of being found out by someone he never intended to know.

It stuck with him like a bad habit, Youngjae desperately wanted to leave it behind but the certainty of his life turning into hell rang in his ears. And it was too loud to be overheard.

That was why he could not tell Daehyun, could not tell anyone at all.

It wasn't as easy as it sometimes sounds like, be brave, get a grip and confess. He's heard it often enough on TV, read it in books and heard his classmates tease each other with shit eating grins on their faces because for them, it was just so, so easy. 

It's not that easy, he wanted to tell Junhong. It isn't easy at all, Youngjae thought.

But how would he ever be able to explain how his heart raced the second he saw Daehyun in the hallway, just standing there with this friends. How would he explain the sinking of his guts whenever they locked eyes, accidentally.

Youngjae feared that Daehyun knew. Knew about how Youngjae couldn't help but look at him, the way Daehyun was an everlasting thought always resting at the back of his mind.

Youngjae was terrified that Daehyun would make fun of him, push him away and yell at him because of how disgusting he was.

However optimistic Junhong was, Youngjae thought he knew how boys like him were looked upon where they lived. And not just boys, Youngjae had read about what occurred to some teens his age once they had been found out by their parents or classmates.

It was hideous.

Youngjae couldn't help but feel his stomach cramp up, scorching tears had pricked at his eyes and he wanted nothing more than to lay in his bed and forget about the world for as long as he could.

His mother had come in by the time it turned late and Youngjae hadn't come out for dinner. Her gentle words, asking if he had a fever or wasn't feeling well, didn't soothe his shaking hands underneath his covers.

How could anyone say it was easy.

Youngjae's futile attempts in telling himself that his feelings for Daehyun were platonic always ended up in his tears dried on the linen of his pillow.

Platonic love did not capture Youngjae's wanton wish to hold Daehyun's hand most of the time, or his need to embrace the older boy during rainy days, how Youngjae wanted to kiss Daehyun goodbye.

Youngjae didn't want to shatter Junhong's hopeful illusions, they even cheered him up in a way. Knowing how his best friend thought of his love as something he should pursue seemingly helped Youngjae in picturing his feelings as something he should cherish.

Because being in love was so beautiful. 

Junhong spoke after a while, his eyes focused on Youngjae who was blankly staring at the wall opposite Junhong's bed.

"I never said it was easy." His lips were dry, drawn into a straight line and the glimmer in his eyes was still permanent but his cold voice dimmed it down to a blazing flicker.

"I don't know how scary it is. I don't know what you should be expecting," Junhong said with a voice so thin, Youngjae was afraid he wouldn't catch every word Junhong was uttering, "I just don't want to see you this sad. You might think you're able to hide it from me, but you're easy to read, Youngjae."

Without having time to respond, or even time to think of words he could tell Junhong, Youngjae felt Junhong's long limbs sling around his shoulders.

And Junhong had always been an exceptional good hugger, the tension which had been resting on Youngjae's shoulders easing into Junhong's warm body. Youngjae relaxed in Junhong's hold, resting his head against his chest as he closed his eyes.

"Thanks, I think I needed to hear that."

Despite the cool evening breeze passing through the quiet neighborhood, the air was still warm, sticking to Youngjae's skin comfortably like a thin blanket. Junhong's apartment was in a building with a few separate flats, up a small hill at the edge of Deungchon Ro.

Youngjae had always liked the narrow roads, leading up to a park further on the hill.

There never was much to do, but Junhong and Youngjae liked spending their late summer evenings just walking around the pathways.

Sometimes they would be waiting for the families with kids to leave so that they could use the playground which was truly the only construction the park could offer.

Youngjae would usually just sit on the makeshift climbing frame, while Junhong let his long legs slump against the still slightly warm metallic surface of the slide that was attached to it.

It was a nice neighborhood Youngjae thought, there weren't many people on the streets when he was walking down to his bus stop and right now Youngjae didn't have to feel as drained as when he was dragging his feet up the hill in the summer heat around noon.

The sun was close to the horizon, it would probably already have set by the time Youngjae arrived home and for some reason Youngjae wanted time to stand still. He didn't want the sun to move, not a centimeter, Youngjae wished the world would just stop.

Junhong's words from earlier were still ringing in his ears, and Youngjae couldn't help but feel a little bit sorry. He hadn't known that Junhong was worrying about him to this content.

How could he? Youngjae had never thought of himself as an open book, he wasn't very good at expressing himself most of the time. People had told him that.

For Junhong to be able to tell that he's been in pain wasn't necessarily a shock per se, Junhong was incredibly caring after all, but Youngjae couldn't believe that the hurt he had been feeling for a while now was so evident in the way he carried himself.

Youngjae hadn't been able to pin point this particular feeling at first, the sharp stinging in his heart or the way his fists would weakly clench alongside a strange feeling in his gut.

Youngjae had never believed in the saying love hurts, love is painful.

Not until he saw Daehyun on their last day of classes before summer break. His smile so bright, the sun should have been ashamed to rise and be.

It had been hot that day, the sun blaring down onto the pavement without mercy. Junhong had been grumbling about how his school uniform stuck to his skin uncomfortably, and how they should just get some iced coffee before going home.

They had already bid their goodbyes to their friends and were on their way out of the building.

Although nothing in particular had been wrong that day, or any different from other days, Youngjae felt a strange twisting in his stomach and it just wouldn't go away.

And once he saw Daehyun just outside the school building, standing by a couple of benches with his friends, everything came to a standstill. The blood in Youngjae's veins stopped rushing, like the calm before a storm out by the sea. 

Youngjae felt his throat constricting, as if someone else was strangling him with a thin red string, cutting into his throat.

As much as Youngjae had tried to avoid the thought of Daehyun graduating and leaving school, he wasn't able to ignore his eyes drifting towards the older boy as Junhong stopped in his tracks to look for something in his backpack.

With every second passing by, Youngjae felt his tears gathering above his waterline, so warm yet so harsh on his skin once they slowly trickled down.

It was then when Daehyun caught his gaze, his smile faltering for a moment as he looked at Youngjae with his warm, honest eyes. There was recognition in them, of course there was. Youngjae had been dropping by the senior's classroom to talk to Yongguk from time to time, occasionally wishing to catch a glimpse of Daehyun.

A few times, Daehyun would walk into the classroom with the intention to ask Yongguk something about practice, as Yongguk was the captain of their school's track and field team which Daehyun was a part of.

Daehyun would greet Youngjae with a soft smile, politely asking how his studies were going and then turned to Yongguk to check wether the sudden April shower could be at fault for them to have to cancel practice.

Youngjae wasn't sure if Daehyun remembered his name, they had only really exchanged formalities with each other once a few months back. 

Youngjae had found out Daehyun's name through a coincidence created by Yongguk in his first year, and he hadn't been able to forget if ever since.

The sudden eye contact at that exact moment was terrifying, leaving Youngjae to turn away abruptly, his cheeks too hot for him to blame the heat.

Youngjae lifted the back of his hand to wipe away the few single tears that had drifted down to his jawline, hoping Daehyun had been too far away to notice them.

Junhong however, had slung his backpack over his shoulder and was clearly looking at Youngjae, already frowning in confusion as to what could have made Youngjae tear up during the few seconds he wasn't looking.

Their afternoon was spent at Junhong's place, inside his room with Youngjae crying into his friend's pillows as he told him about his hopeless, useless crush on their senior.

Youngjae had never been one for big goodbyes, he had always thought that saying goodbye was the worst, especially when he couldn't know what was waiting for him afterwards.

But with the certainty of the next semester being Daehyun's last, Youngjae couldn't help but cry and sob as Junhong tried to comfort him with soft touches on his back.

It was so stupid, crying over a boy who didn't care about him, or even really knew him. And Junhong's words back then nearly echoed the ones he's told Youngjae before he had left to go home just a couple of minutes ago. 

Try to talk to him, he won't think anything of it. They wouldn't leave Youngjae's head. 

What would happen if Youngjae confessed?

Youngjae couldn't tell, there were too many things he didn't know about Daehyun. Small details which he sometimes tried to imagine on his own.

Like the way Daehyun woke up before school, hair messy and his eyes still squinted close as he was brushing his teeth, maybe. Or how he would tell his parents goodbye before leaving home. What he would do if a boy confessed to him.

He might laugh, tell Youngjae how ridiculous he is, believing that confessing his feelings would actually have Daehyun consider them. Or he'd yell, raising his gentle voice as he spat ugly words at Youngjae, that he was disgusting, that his feelings were sickening, repulsive.

Youngjae stopped in his tracks, struggling to swallow the lump that has formed in his throat.

He was close to the bus station, the sun had already disappeared and left the streets in a warm, orange hue, changing to a soft pink as the minutes passed by.

Daehyun might smile at him, thanking Youngjae for being honest with him and his own feelings. He might tell Youngjae that they could meet up if he wanted to, to talk, or to get something to eat. Maybe he'd laugh sweetly, embracing Youngjae in a gentle, comforting hug.

Maybe Daehyun would kiss him.

A soft wind suddenly tousled his hair, like gentle strokes, running through it.

The street was mostly empty by now, most people at home or maybe out with friends, a little closer to the bustling life of the city. It was quiet, and Youngjae continued to walk by the many small coffee shops and various electrical shops with their neon signs hanging on their windows. 

The main street was close, the sound of moving vehicles disrupting the tranquility of the neighborhood Youngjae was leaving behind.

It felt so familiar, the city lights slowly brightening up as Youngjae left the narrow street.

The air had cooled down with the gush of wind, leaving Youngjae with disheveled bangs before he quickly ran his fingers through them, conscious of the people who were busy going home with bagged vegetables they've most likely gotten from their relatives.

Walking towards the bus stop with his hands tensed up by his side, Youngjae wondered if he should give thought to Junhong's words, just to try.

To try and talk to him. Nothing terrible could happen, it wasn't like Youngjae would be confessing his love for Daehyun immediately, in front of everyone.

Youngjae wasn't sure if he would be able to muster up the courage, brush aside the heavy layers he's put around his heart.

He was afraid of rejection, but less so than losing every ounce of hope.

Once Daehyun rejects him, Youngjae had to give in. He had to leave his feelings behind as if nothing had every happened, as if he had wasted two years of his life dreaming about never to be.

Youngjae didn't know if he would be able to handle that.

The thought lingered in his mind for the entirety of the bus ride, the pink sky slowly turning into purple and then a dark blue as Youngjae imagined Daehyun smiling at him.

Youngjae couldn't remember how exactly he fell for the older boy, it happened so slowly and gradually that Youngjae hadn't even noticed at first.

Strangely, Youngjae was able to picture the day he first saw Daehyun in their school's hallway perfectly. 

It was during the second month of his first year, with their classes so close to ending that Youngjae's eyelids were steadily growing heavier.

He had decided to get out of the classroom for a while before his last class would start, lazily walking down the hallway to the vending machines by the staircase.

It had been a cool spring day, the sky was a blend of a light blue and gray and Youngjae had nearly stopped to lean on the window sill and look outside as his mind wandered.

But the vitamin water which he was determined to get was more tempting, having Youngjae turn his head from the large windows and head over to the vending machines.

The first thing Youngjae had heard was Daehyun laughing alongside a couple of friends, they were leaning on the railings of the stairs, two of them with water bottles in their hands.

Youngjae didn't look at first, trying to ignore their loud chattering as he felt a small headache creeping into his skull as he walked past them to get his drink. 

The buttons of the vending machine were oddly cold against his skin and Youngjae wondered if he was coming down with a fever, since the weather had been so inconsistent and his school work had started to pile.

After grabbing his drink from the slot, Youngjae stood still for a moment, wondering if he would have to greet his upperclassmen.

It was obvious that they were second years, if not third years, with how they were talking to each other so comfortably about school and practice. Youngjae quickly decided to act on instinct, if they were looking his way, he'd greet them.

And if not, then he would have one awkward encounter less to think about.

Youngjae swiftly turned around to head back to his classroom, glancing over to where the group of boys was standing, still engrossed in their conversation about what seemed to be running practice. 

It was odd, Youngjae could have sworn he didn't take his time as he walked past them.

But somehow, within those few seconds, he caught Daehyun's eyes and time seemed to have ceased to exist.

Like warm honey, drizzling caramel met the rare sunrays peeking through the dull colored sky.

The older boy was standing closest to him, one hand buried in the pocket of his uniform's trousers as he looked over with such an indecipherable look on his face that Youngjae could feel his cheeks darken in color.

He was handsome, no doubt, with how his dark hair fell thickly over his forehead, his bright eyes that were directly looking at Youngjae, and sinfully thick lips, slowly stretching into a smile.

They seemed to be looking at each other for minutes, although Youngjae knew that a mere few seconds had passed before he had walked past them and out into the long hallway.

The look on Daehyun's face that week had stirred something up inside of Youngjae, but he was never able to pin point it whenever he thought of those brown eyes.

And for some reason, they were the only thing Youngjae could think about at all for the next few days, just until he saw Daehyun again, by the staircase with his friends.

Youngjae didn't think much of it at first, there was no way he could have come to a conclusion about his feelings that fast if he looked back at it now.

The slow, simmering feeling of excitement stirred up his heart in an odd twist, and for days to count Youngjae went to get something from the vending machine in the afternoon.

Daehyun was always there, sometimes standing by the stairs with his friends or sitting on the first step as he looked down on his phone, something to drink in his other hand.

And as the weeks started to pass, Youngjae started to grow to be more conscious of his surroundings. Always looking out for Daehyun's dark, warm eyes, smiling just as much as his lips did.

He wasn't able to call it admiration anymore.

Youngjae wasn't stupid, he had realized that the way he was looking at Daehyun wasn't how he looked at anyone else.

The way Youngjae's body reacted towards seeing Daehyun in the hallways or the school gates was beyond anything he had ever felt before. His knees grew week, his heart would start pounding and he could never take his eyes off of Daehyun.

It hurt. It was a feeling so strong and it was cutting much deeper than anything Youngjae had known before.

He wanted to know more, know in which class Daehyun was, know which clubs he belonged to and if he was as tired as he was every morning, just before first period as his form teacher spoke about choosing a university and preparing for their upcoming tests.

But Youngjae desperately wanted to know his name. 

For the first few weeks, Youngjae couldn't put a name to Daehyun's face, and it completely tore him apart. There was no way Youngjae could have found out without directly asking the older boy, but Youngjae had not dared to even think that far.

It was close to unbearable, to think of Daehyun without knowing his name. It led Youngjae to wonder more and more about Daehyun, to think of names which could fit him but nothing ever came to his mind.

How could Youngjae choose some random name to fit those gentle eyes, the sweet lips, his strong physique. It didn't quite feel right.

It wasn't until Youngjae ecountered Yongguk, not much later than his first encounter with Daehyun by the staircase.

Yongguk was in the same year as Daehyun, a tall, lanky boy who seemed to be very unapproachable, but only until he started talking with a soft, caring smile on his lips.

Yongguk was nice, if Youngjae were to judge, probably too nice for his own good sometimes but that was simply how Yongguk was and Youngjae would never want to change anything of it even if he could.

The first time Youngjae had seen Yongguk was by the end of April during Youngjae's first year.

It was the week after the freshmen had been asked to join at least one club on their school's list, and Youngjae had found himself on the outdoor sports area by the time his classes had ended for that day.

The area was situated sandwiched in between the two buildings in which lessons were being held, elevated to the fourth floor with their school's gym and parking lot right beneath.

It was quite a large place which was used during the warmer months for physical education, consisting of a large green field, used for soccer and basketball, and the surrounding track area.

Youngjae had chosen to join the soccer club since there hadn't been any other clubs he could have seen himself in, and he'd always enjoyed playing soccer with friends.

There wasn't much more to it, he wasn't exceptionally good or had a profoundly deep connection to the sport like some other team members did.

It was a mere coincidence, that Youngjae was sitting in the middle of the cool grass of the field during their club's cool down on that specific day. 

Youngjae had his head tilted up, enjoying the cool breeze and how the sun was hanging so low in the sky, it peaked through the clouds. He had nearly closed his eyes, to drown out every sound surrounding him, before something moving in the corner of his eye distracted him. 

Youngjae tilted his head to the side, turning a little so that he could see the group of people that was walking out from the locker rooms properly. There were mostly boys who were dressed in sports attire, chatting among themselves as they were seemingly heading to practice.

Youngjae didn't particularly care, he wasn't able to identify anyone at first as they were too far away and he couldn't make out a single face.

It wasn't until a boy who seemed to be the team's captain came over to talk to some of the third years, that Youngjae overheard that they were the track and field team who had practice right after the soccer club.

Track and field, and Youngjae's mind was spinning.

Every single piece of conversation that Youngjae had overheard while he was getting something to drink in the afternoon, every afternoon for two entire weeks, echoed in the air. Just until Youngjae remembered.

\---

I can't, the team is meeting up in the afternoon, I told you this morning.

Right, right. Running, practice, I get it.

Sorry, you know I can't ditch. Try next time.

Mhm, next year maybe. Your team captain this year sure is scary.

\---

Running, practice. He's a runner. 

Youngjae gulped, suddenly feeling as if there was not enough air to breathe, as if his throat had abruptly closed up because his heart was beating itself to death.

It couldn't be, Youngjae must have heard wrong.

The captain of the track and field team was still talking to Youngjae's seniors as the other members were sitting by the tracks, stretching their muscles.

Youngjae wanted to look over again to try and see if Daehyun was there, or maybe he was wrong, maybe Daehyun didn't mean their school's team. Youngjae might have misunderstood.

"Dohwan hyung!" A deep, deep voice had captured Youngjae's attention, calling out for the captain of the track and field team. 

Youngjae looked up without thinking, his eyes meeting a tall figure standing just a little apart from the soccer team. Intimidating, was the first thing Youngjae thought.

And then his eyes drifted to the second person, standing behind the unfamiliar boy.

Youngjae's heart physically skipped a beat, the uneven rising of his chest not doing much to cover it.

He wasn't as tall as the other boy, but his build was stronger, thicker arms and thighs visible thanks to the short black uniform.

Youngjae had never been able to look at him for so long, neither had he ever really taken in the older boy's face like now. He had a strong nose that accentuated his thick lips, their rosy color catching Youngjae off guard.

Youngjae usually wasn't much of a daydreamer, nor did he have an unusually vivid imagination.

But just the mere thought of kissing him was enough to leave his cheeks burning. It was nearly unbearable, Youngjae could only hope that he hadn't noticed him.

Youngjae dared to look up, relieved to see that the boy wasn't paying attention to him while Youngjae ignored the slight twinge in his heart.

It only worsened once Youngjae looked up into his eyes. They were so warm, so gentle although he wasn't looking at anyone in particular.

Youngjae knew their color, he had spent countless of nights thinking about the soft brown that seemed to be melting whenever Youngjae caught a glimpse of them.

"Ah, Yongguk. What is it?" Dohwan asked. having turned to the two boys who had come over.

"Your notebook, Daehyun and I wanted to go over our times from winter break."

"Mh, sure."

His ears rang, all Youngjae could hear was the rustling of the wind through the small forest that was behind their school. Youngjae's heart seemed to beat in the same rhythm.

Out of order, disrupting the forest's piece. 

Daehyun.

It fit so nicely, chiming in the air like the first summer day of the year.

There was nothing to compare it to, Youngjae thought, of course there wasn't.

The only thing Youngjae could think about that day was his name.

And the way Daehyun's feet hit the ground as he ran, his steps so light and free that it was difficult for Youngjae to keep walking. He doesn't quite remember the subway ride home.

They never talked that year. 

The silent glances and wishful thinking were enough for Youngjae, he didn't need anything else. At least he told himself that.

As the year passed, his heart grew heavier and heavier. Dreaming about Daehyun was not enough anymore, just like the stupid little scenarios he made up in his head whenever he would head to the station.

Scenes that would happen in romantic comedies, a rainy day as people were rushing into the station or home but the protagonist had forgotten their umbrella. And of course, a handsome, conventionally beautiful and oh so kind man would suddenly appear with an umbrella in his hand.

It was embarrassing, really. 

Youngjae knew that his imagination was running on absolutely nothing, but he couldn't really do anything to stop it.

Seeing Daehyun nearly every day at school had blurred Youngjae's image of their relationship. He knew that Daehyun didn't know him, and that he had probably never paid attention to him in any way. 

It was terribly embarrassing, to be honest.

At times Youngjae felt like he was in a way stalking the older student, although he never intentionally followed Daehyun anywhere.

The only place Youngjae went to to intentionally see Daehyun was the small open area by the staircase. The first time had been purely coincidental, and Youngjae did have a different reason to go there after all.

After a few weeks had passed at the beginning of Youngjae's first year, Junhong had found joy in asking Youngjae to bring him something to drink too whenever Youngjae went to the vending machines for a little too long to only come back with a bottle of vitamin water. So Youngjae did.

Daehyun just happened to be there. Again and again.

And the year ended just like that. Nothing had happened.

The first week of Youngjae's second year of high school was different already. Besides their classes having changed, and the fear of graduating and final exams nearing closer and closer.

Youngjae's mother and him had moved during the winter, not too far away that Youngjae had to change schools, but Youngjae had to take a different metro line home.

One that was further away from school which lead to the center of the city if Youngjae wouldn't get off at his station. It was more crowded in the morning because of that, and Youngjae had to leave his home earlier which was already a terrible start to his second year.

There was something else, someone else.

One thing Youngjae couldn't have missed was how a certain tall senior of his would take the same line every evening after self study. Youngjae remembered Yongguk, of course he remembered him, the way he carried himself on that day and how his deep voice filled the air. 

At first Youngjae had thought that Yongguk was a friend of Daehyun's, seeing how they usually practiced together.

It took months for Youngjae to figure out that Daehyun was like that to many people, so familiar and kind as if he'd known the other for years.

Yongguk and Daehyun turned out to be nothing more than team mates, and as Youngjae's first semester of his second year passed he understood why.

Youngjae couldn't remember when he and Yongguk first started talking.

It might have been because there weren't many people from their school who took the same metro line.

They left for home around the same time the first Friday of the school year, and it might have been the cold wind seeping right through Youngjae's school uniform, but Yongguk had stricken up a conversation so easily that Youngjae wondered if they had talked before.

It didn't come as a surprise that Yongguk had turned out to be similar to Daehyun in many aspects, but he was quieter, more mature and sometimes he seemed to be much older than Youngjae. Youngjae couldn't explain Yongguk even if he tried.

And despite their friendship having come naturally, Youngjae couldn't help but feel a little guilty.

He knew he wasn't using Yongguk, Youngjae genuinely enjoyed his company, but ever so often Youngjae found himself spacing out as he was standing by Yongguk's desk supposedly looking at an art magazine the older of the two had bought recently.

With Yongguk being in his third year now, his class was filled with some students he knew and some entirely new faces, but it was more so Youngjae who had noticed.

Daehyun was in his class. And with every accumulating visit Youngjae made to Yongguk's classroom in between breaks, he found out something new about Daehyun.

How he was nearly always surrounded by people, a big smile on his face and more often than not a small snack in between his fingers.

Daehyun was generous, well liked by everyone, and so kind that Youngjae sometimes couldn't help but keep his hopes up. That maybe Daehyun would not hate him if he found out how Youngjae felt about him.

But those desperate, hopeful wishes never lingered too long on Youngjae's mind. Reality was harsh, and Youngjae had already accepted his defeat. High school would pass by, slowly, and once Daehyun had graduated, Youngjae's ridiculous crush would come to an end. Youngjae knew that Daehyun and him were nothing but strangers at that point.

For a year Youngjae hadn't dared to talk to Daehyun.

Of course he had often, maybe too many times, imagined how their first conversation would go.

Youngjae had dreamed of coincidental romantic encounters in their school's hallway. The afternoon sun glowing through the large windows, filtering into the corridor and leaving the two of them doused in golden light as they looked at each other in awe.

First loves were so cruel sometimes.

Their first conversation wasn't like anything out of a romantic novel. It was definitely more disappointing than romantic if Youngjae looked back at it.

It was around the same time of the year as when Youngjae first saw Daehyun, a year before.

It was raining after a couple of warm days had gone by and Youngjae had mistakenly forgotten to bring his uniform's sweater with him that day.

He felt a little hesitant to ask Yongguk if he had brought his own sweater, after seeing that most of the boys weren't wearing theirs, and even Junhong hadn't taken his to school that day.

Youngjae had often been called out for his weak body, his small frame and his quiet demeanor. Never in a hateful manner, but it had happened so many times that Youngjae had started to grow conscious of every little aspect of his behavior which people could possibly notice.

So when he was on his way to Yongguk's classroom, his mind was filled with never ending thoughts and worries.

Not because Youngjae thought Yongguk would think of him as strange, it was his classmates, people Youngjae didn't know, that he was afraid of. 

There was nothing to be scared of, Youngjae knew that, but he was thankful that Yongguk had been outside in front of his classroom with his phone in his hand.

Yongguk just smiled at him and quickly went to get his sweater, leaving Youngjae out in the hallway with a lighter heart and less shaky hands.

Youngjae felt at ease for a few moments, just until Yongguk came out from his classroom with his beige sweater hanging over his arm and his lips etched into a soft smile.

Youngjae remembered vividly how Yongguk's words then were cut short, as footsteps echoed through their school's hallway.

"Yongguk," Daehyun's voice pierced the air surrounding Youngjae as if thousands of icicles bore themselves right through his heart, "I was with Changkyun just now and he wanted to know if we-"

Daehyun's words stopped leaving his lips abruptly as he halted in front of them, his eyes dropping to the sweater which Yongguk and Youngjae were still both holding onto.

"Oh, sorry, I just," Daehyun looked up and Youngjae was sure that that was the first time they had properly looked at each other, eyes locked for what seemed to be a moment too long, "Changkyun was in a hurry and wanted me to ask about practice later."

Daehyun finished after his eyes had flickered down to Yongguk's sweater which was by then in Youngjae's arms.

"I think we'll wait and see how the weather's gonna be in the afternoon," Yongguk said, looking at Daehyun, apparently having noticed how he wasn't able to keep his gaze from flickering downwards to where Youngjae was fiddling with his sweater. "I don't think I'll cancel practice over this. The track and field meet at Kyunggi High School is in only three weeks, we need the time."

"Right, I'll tell Changkyun."

Daehyun was about to turn around before Yongguk's voice stopped him.

"Daehyun, this is my friend, Youngjae," Yongguk said with a gentle smile on his lips, pulling Youngjae closer by his arm, "He's a year below us."

Daehyun seemed hesitant to look Youngjae straight in the eyes, a nervous smile tugging onto the corners of his mouth before he turned his body to Youngjae.

"Hi, I'm Daehyun," Daehyun said, glancing down to where Yongguk had a hold on Youngjae's upper arm.

He seemed different, Youngjae thought.

Daehyun had carried his words with pride whenever Youngjae had heard him talk, but his voice was quieter, softer than Youngjae had heard it ever before. His body language was as if he was withholding something, timid, if Youngjae had to describe it. 

Youngjae quickly shook off his hesitancy, trying to keep his voice steady as he spoke. "I'm Youngjae, nice to meet you."

A smile found itself on Daehyun's face, growing wider and Daehyun opened his mouth as if to say something, but closed it in the same moment. "I'll see you around, Youngjae." 

Daehyun left with those words and a short wave of his hand that was directed towards Yongguk.

And within a matter of a few seconds, Youngjae could feel his heart starting to beat at such a rapid pace, he wondered if it had stopped for when Daehyun was looking at him.

Those brown eyes, so bright and full of hope that were not dull as everyone else's, Youngjae had found himself unable to tear his own gaze from them.

It was difficult to deny his own feelings after that, knowing that Daehyun was aware of his existence and even knew his name. The beating of Youngjae's heart had let him know for over a year but Youngjae had been afraid to recognize it until that moment.

Until Daehyun had looked at him, really looked at him.

Youngjae didn't know if his own imagination was running too far ahead of himself, but the way Daehyun had looked at him as if the world had stopped for a moment had churned something inside of him.

It was a surprise to Youngjae that, during the slowly ending semester, Daehyun kept greeting him whenever they saw each other on the school grounds.

Wether it was a quick wave of his hand in the hallway or a smile which was directed towards Youngjae whenever he would find his way to the vending machines by the staircase.

And it felt so good, so good that the pain inside of Youngjae's heart was growing to be unbearably tormenting.

Their relationship hadn't changed significantly, not in any way. They didn't talk to each other, the most Youngjae would hear of Daehyun's voice would be a short greeting or his beautiful, boisterous laugh if he was standing by his friends.

And it hurt.

To know that Daehyun wasn't affected by him at all , at least not in the way Youngjae was.

And with summer slowly approaching, Youngjae's feelings turned into a heavy, demanding burden.

Right until the point where he wasn't able to hold back the tears he'd kept inside for so long.


	2. Talk Me Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Youngjae is overwhelmed.

The thought of trying to talk to Daehyun was stuck in Youngjae's mind as he entered the apartment which he was still reluctant to call his home.

His mother wasn't back from her office yet, and the small entryway with its connected open living room was completely dark. His steps echoed in between walls as if they had captured his loneliness.

It wasn't unusual for his mother to come back home late in the evening, and Youngjae didn't mind all that much. He loved his mother, of course he did, but it wasn't always easy to be around her.

His mother's expectations were high, and sometimes Youngjae felt as if he could not talk about anything else except what had happened in his classes and after school cram sessions with his tutor.

It was overwhelming, almost suffocating and Youngjae couldn't help but enjoy being alone at home. If it weren't for the shining floor boards and the blank walls looking down on him.

He liked the spacious living room and the way their windows reached from the ceiling to the floor, overlooking the blue of the river which almost felt like a barricade standing in between him and his never ending thoughts of a boy at school who will never look his way.

Youngjae could not think of a situation where it would not seem odd that he was talking to Daehyun all of a sudden. He let his body slump against the cushions of the sofa, leaning against the backrest of the piece of furniture to let his gaze drift across the flickering lights that reflected themselves in the water of the river.

His mood had turned into melancholy as Youngjae thought about never being able to talk to Daehyun, about letting the days pass until Daehyun would graduate without ever overcoming his feelings for him. Or, optimistically, maybe telling Daehyun what he feels.

His heart thumbed loudly against his chest, and without thinking too much Youngjae grabbed his phone and opened his messages, his thumb indecisively hovering over his and Junhong's kakaotalk chat.

Junhong had told him time and time again today to just talk to Daehyun, and Youngjae's chances of getting something else out of his best friend were probably pretty slim.

He needed someone to look at his dilemma with a different perspective, someone who didn't know that this had been tearing Youngjae apart for so long already.

Youngjae ignored the unread messages that popped up in the group chat of his friends from his class and looked for Yongguk's name. 

There was a simmering feeling lingering in the back of Youngjae's mind that Yongguk would figure him out all too soon. Yongguk never told him, but Youngjae was sure that he had noticed how Youngjae would always search for Daehyun with his eyes whenever he visited Yongguk in his classroom.

It should scare Youngjae to be found out by someone else, but knowing it was Yongguk who would know seemed more reassuring than frightening.

So Youngjae closed his eyes for a moment, to forget what he was, and had been for months, so scared of. He knew Yongguk wouldn't mind.

There was nothing to be scared of.

Youngjae:

Yongguk hyung, have you ever confessed to somebody? 

The text had been a bit more vague than Youngjae thought it would have been, but the sense of security it gave him had Youngjae relaxing into the couch.

He let his eyes drift over the slowly brightening city lights for a bit before typing out a second message, afraid he would take Yongguk by surprise with that question.

Youngjae:

ah sorry, that came out of the blue, I was just wondering

Youngjae locked his phone, hoping to be able to distract himself from thinking how Yongguk would receive his question. It really wasn't as if Youngjae had told him that he was practically in love with Daehyun and that he knew that he had no chance.

So why did Youngjae's heart hammer against his ribcage, and why did his stomach twist so uncomfortably. Even after reassuring himself that Yongguk wasn't someone to reject Youngjae as a person because he liked a boy.

But Youngjae couldn't know. It was a topic so taboo, even the sweetest of people could show their true sides once disgust made itself apparent on their faces after hearing about a boy liking a boy, a girl liking a girl.

Youngjae tried to pass his time even with those thoughts lingering in the air still. It was as if the only thing Youngjae could think of that day was Daehyun, and how he could ever find the courage to talk to him, and how all of this, everything, scared him so much that his throat constricted his airway ever so slightly.

Youngjae moved to his room after some time, not wanting to bump into his mother as his mood was slowly worsening with anxiety creeping into his bones.

He was lying on his bed when his phone vibrated against his sheets. Youngjae dropped the video game he had been playing to trick himself into thinking about something else, and grasped for his phone. He unlocked it with unsteady fingers, hesitating to open Yongguk's message for the shortest moment. 

Yongguk hyung:

sorry had practice 

A second later Youngjae's phone vibrated against his hand, and Youngjae focused on the message that had appeared.

Yongguk hyung

I confessed to a girl at the beginning of my second year but she moved away so it didn't work out kk

do you have someone you want to confess to?

The question took Youngjae by surprise, and a sudden well of scorching panic overflowed his mind, leaving his thinking process much in a disarray.

Youngjae

ah not really, I really was just wondering

Youngjae tossed his phone aside and closed his eyes for a while, he slowly rolls onto his back once he felt like being confronted with reality again. He opened his eyes only to be met with the ceiling that was drenched in the blue of the breaking night.

Seldomly he felt this lonely, this scared of everything tumbling down around him. And there was no getting used to it.

Youngjae's feelings overwhelmed everything he had ever known and he wondered if anyone knew what it felt like. 

Did anyone else before him go through such agonizing heart break, without having their heart gotten broken. 

He had realized, that the world was spun differently.

And that love would not come his way.

If love were to ever look upon him.

Summer passed slowly, trickling along like the silent drops of a faucet in an abandoned classroom. It dragged and dragged, and Youngjae wondered how he had ended up on the subway on his way to school that Monday morning. 

It was the last semester he would see Daehyun. 

And surely, heartbreak was just months from grasping him by the collar.

Youngjae could not think too long about it, feeling the urge to repress every emotion connected to the senior. He wanted to forget for just a while, just a moment. Because he is never able to.

It was as if his mind had decided to connect everything to Daehyun. The asphalt, still wet from last nights downpour, with footsteps echoing in the air almost taking Youngjae back to the day he had seen Daehyun run.

The wind, not as soft as it should have been by the end of August, too much like April and longing gazes that have never been returned. It tousled his hair cruelly, until he had stepped into the subway station.

The ride to school seemed to last forever without really being all that long. And Youngjae felt his heart tighten as he walked down the stairs of the station, he clenched his fists by his sides, not knowing how to last through the day.

His own steps echoing in his ears laughed at him, at how weak he truly was. 

Of course people would joke about him, Youngjae could reminisce about every single time he had been told he was but such a fragile little thing.

They were meant as compliments, oh he was such a pretty child was he not? So much like his mother, who would in turn twist her lips into a cold smile and guide Youngjae by the hand to someplace else. The hallway of the gathering they had gone to, or the living room of a relative's place.

Youngjae was glad his mother never reduced him to his looks as a child, but maybe everyone else had been right.

Because Youngjae could feel his bones stiffen alongside his blood that had seemed to slow down once Youngjae reached his school's gates. 

He felt pathetic, how had he allowed one person to have this much of an impact on him.

But as the early morning sun gleamed over the school's roof, Youngjae knew he would never feel this way about someone else.

He would never experience his first love again. 

Youngjae knew by the way the thought crossed his mind, that if he didn't try now, he would never get the chance to do so.

With his heart and steps heavy, Youngjae walked on the school grounds. As he passed by girls who were talking about their summer with lollipops in between their cherry lips, and boys who weren't doing all that much more than Youngjae himself was doing, the feeling of normality crashed over him like waves against a cliff.

How could he feel so down when nothing had changed.

He couldn't stop thinking about it as he walked up the small hill and once Youngjae had reached the gates, he wasn't so sure of how he would ever be able to start talking to Daehyun.

It would seem so odd, now that Daehyun was pretty much done with high school and Youngjae had only really talked to him once.

With his thoughts clinging to the clouds, Youngjae didn't notice the first time Yongguk had called his name. The second time made Youngjae's head twist and his throat tighten.

Daehyun was standing at the same place Youngjae had seen him before their summer break. By the benches at the side with his friends, one of them being Yongguk to Youngjae's surprise.

It was strange because summer had passed and Youngjae was no where near the mindset he had had in July. Nothing had changed. But time seemed to have passed so slowly that seeing Daehyun now felt like seeing an unrequited love after years, only to realize that his feelings had never changed.

Youngjae clenched his jaw softly.

Realizing that Yongguk had called him over, Youngjae slowly made his way to the group of people. 

He unconsciously clenched his hands into fists, avoiding Daehyun's eyes as he reached them with a short smile and a greeting.

"How was summer?" Yongguk asked and Youngjae wanted to answer that summer really didn't feel like anything at all and he wasn't sure how a full month had gone by but the wordst were caught by his tongue before he could utter them.

"Fine." Was all that left his lips and Youngjae hoped he didn't seem as rude to the other three, but Yongguk only smiled and reached out to squeeze Youngjae's shoulder. "How was yours?"

"Terrible, all I did was study and I don't think I can take another six months of this." It was said in a jokingly manner but behind the small laugh Youngjae could manage he could only think about how they would be gone in six months.

And six months had never seemed so short.

The silence cut the air unannounced, and without wanting to, Youngjae's gaze flickered up to Daehyun to find those warm honey eyes looking back at him. It was short, but the shiver running down Youngjae's arms made August seem as cold as November.

Yongguk was the first one to speak, clearing his throat as if he was interrupting someone. "We have to go, professor Choi wanted to speak to us because of practice hours."

"Because he's the first one we want to see on a Monday morning," joked one of the other boys Youngjae recognized from the evenings where he had waited for Yongguk to finish his track and field practice.

He seemed to be the co-captain of the team, running after Yongguk like a loyal little puppy as Youngjae reciprocated their waves goodbye.

Youngjae let his eyes linger on the three boys as they walked towards the entrance, noticing how Daehyun hadn't moved from his spot but he for sure would go with them, why would he not?

But the doors closed behind Yongguk's back and Youngjae couldn't help but turn to Daehyun, hoping to seem nonchalant but the way his heartbeat picked up speed was proving that he was not even close to being calm.

Youngjae didn't expect the smile he was met with as his eyes met Daehyun's, and already having seen it coming, the air got stuck in Youngjae's throat and for a small moment, Youngjae felt his heart stop in its tracks.

Everything did. As if the world were at a stand still, the trees stopped whispering and the sounds of the nearby street disappeared into the ground. Almost like they had been swallowed.

"So, summer was," Daehyun stopped for the fraction of a second, seemingly looking for the right words but Youngjae was already clinging onto his lips, "fine?"

His pretty smile turned into a shy twist of lips and for some reason it felt so out of place, Youngjae was sure he had never seen Daehyun so reluctant before. 

It stirred a slight panic in Youngjae's guts, unwanted whispers in his head telling him that Daehyun knew. 

Youngjae knew he couldn't know, Junhong was the only one who did and Youngjae had trusted him to not mention a single word about it to anyone.

He couldn't know.

Youngjae smiled, only feeling his lips turn up as he replied to Daehyun. "Yeah, what about you?"

The words coming out of his mouth felt so estranged, as if someone else was pulling them by a rope from inbetween his teeth. 

The entire situation was more like it had been dragged out of a dream, and Youngjae couldn't help the warmth that spread through his body as Daehyun started to tell him about summer and running through the woods and late nights sitting by his desk with revision books left open and arms slung over them as he had fallen asleep.

Sweet, small chuckles fled from Youngjae's lips as he listened and it was as if they had always been talking about everything, every small little detail whether it was important or completely insignificant.

The world had closed in around the two of them, drowning out the sounds of the other students passing by and how could something so natural feel so intimate.

Daehyun was like pure sunshine after months of snow and grey skies, Youngjae almost wanted to ignore the school bell and as Daehyun stopped talking Youngjae almost thought there was the slightest hint of disappointment in the air.

They walked into the building in almost silence, trivial words leaving their lips as they were heading up the stairs until they reached Youngjae's floor.

Quick goodbyes were captured by the air and Youngjae walked down the hallway before being able to see Daehyun go up to the third floor.

It was too surreal, Youngjae had been worrying about trying to talk to Daehyun for months and all it took was for Yongguk to call him over. 

Youngjae thought back to the way Daehyun had smiled, and the way his eyes had captured the mellow sunlight as it was slowly flooding the school yard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted this to be a oneshot, but I'm emotionally attached to this and idk it's what it is


End file.
